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I n a move widely considered long overdue the NCAA is now considering significantly expanding the college basketball tournament for schools that do not have basketball teams. The move comes following a deluge of college programs complaining about being snubbed for the NCAA Tournament, despite the fact that they do not even have a basketball program. However, the NCAA plans to rectify their misdeeds by finally quenching America’s palette to pit basketball powerhouses against schools that don't have the money to fund basketball teams.
“I think it’s awesome--should have been done years ago,” stated Wisconsin Head Coach Bo Ryan. “You know, the game of basketball is 90% mental and only 10% physical, so it would be unwise for me to say that you need a basketball team to physically win a basketball game. I think this program is going to push many programs to being focusing on the mental aspect of the game, rather than absorbing themselves in the physical. We’ve already begun scrimmaging with only three players on the floor just to prove that basketball is a mental game.
Many schools that were on the bubble last year such as Middle Hitler State, Roe v. Wade A&M, and University of Alabama Online, have now been vaulted into the brackets, finally satisfying a lifetime of yearning snub
“When I found out that our school qualified for the NCAA Tournament, my wildest dreams had come true. I was ecstatic,” said State A&M Coach Benjamin Lively. "But, I will be even happier once the NCAA informs me what the NCAA Tournament is.”
Many schools have complained that schools that do not have basketball teams should not even qualify to play in March Madness and even share the spotlight with such teams as Duke, North Carolina, and Kansas. The NCAA countered stating that if many of the elite basketball programs are as good as stated, then they should have nothing to worry about.
“If Duke really is as good as they say they are then they should have nothing to worry about,” said NCAA President Tom Franklin. “To me, statements like that reek of arrogance and entitlement are exactly why we decided to expand the Tournament.”
To christen the tournament expansion, the new arrivals will be playing host to many of the tournament regulars, and there as already been first round drama, as Kentucky tied with Nat Turner A&M as neither team could find the basketball stadium at Nat Turner.
“They’ve good a pretty good program over there at Nat Turner,” said Kentucky coach John Calipari. “I guess that’s why you play the game. Our inexperience really showed, as we have a young team, and they really aren’t that good drivers yet so they had a pretty hard time finding the stadium. That’s where senior leadership really helps. I guess Nat Turner had a young team as well because they couldn’t find the stadium either. We got bailed out this time, but in our next game it will not be so easy.”
If the expansion goes well the NCAA will considering expanding the Tournament until the brackets can be published as a book, in which the profits go towards building Planned Parenthood clinics in college basketball locker rooms.
Live from Upset City…this is Satire Jones
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