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A s Tiger Woods sets to return to golf on April 8th, many have questioned whether Woods’s extended retreat from the sport would hamper his athletic ability. However, many within Woods’s camp have articulated that Woods is getting his body back into playing shape, little by little, the only way he knows.
“He’s fucking,” said his sexual rehab therapist. “I advised him to get all the sex out of his system now, while he’s still young, so that way he could fully enjoy life when he’s older.” When asked when she told him this information, his sexual rehabilitation therapist stated…’Right after we had sex.’ Many members of Tiger Wood’s community have already noted Tiger’s developing muscles and improved physique. “When I saw him last week he looked incredible,” said a dazzling model/physical therapist with whom Woods’s has been sleeping with to help him improve his core. “His stomach looks much better than anytime in the past two months and it is definitely showing not only in the many positions that he can now use to stimulate me, but also in his stamina. His wife will be very proud.” Despite Woods’s unorthodox method of improving one’s build, he would often use workout videos to help guide him along. “He threw on a porno or what he calls a ‘workout video’ and then we would just act out the moves and follow along with the workout instructors,” said workout partner Stacy Finland. “Sometimes we would get a little behind the instructors and he would complain that we have to pick up the pace, but he was sweet about it, he would often remind me that the people on these workout videos were professional athletes and have been doing this for years, and we were just starting.” Like any workout series, Tiger Woods’s workouts tapes were categorized into Arms, Back, Chest, Legs, and Abs, but interestingly enough each workout tape, regardless of its supposed target muscles, always involved vaginal intercourse. “It was weird,” said one of Tiger Woods’s workout partners. “He would say…’Today I’m gonna workout legs.’ Then he would throw on an interracial porno and we would have sex for about 1 hour. But my legs always felt fine. Maybe he got a leg workout because immediately after sex he would run out of the room faster than Jesse Owens screaming…’I’ll call you later.’ However, despite the hours upon hours of vigorous exercise Tiger Woods, the unrelenting perfectionist, still gripes that an improved workout out technique could have yielded faster gains. “Sometimes I think I may have been doing some of my workouts wrong,” stated a sultry Tiger Woods. “Because despite all my exercise, it would always the women who would call me the next day complaining that they were sore. ” Live from A Tiger Woods Workout…This is Satire Jones
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