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I n what has turned out to be the most alarming sports story of the year, all of Tiger Woods mistresses were completely unaware of the fact that the black guy they were dating does in fact play golf. Many of the mistresses claimed that they originally thought that Tiger was just a handsome comedian, who always joked about being the best golfer in the world.
“I repeatedly stated that I would have to be on the road for the PGA, and they never saw me wearing anything but sweater vests and khaki’s. I showed them my green jacket, my golf clubs. I always clap very quietly at the end of performances. I even showed them pictures of my wife and kids and told them that I was I a serious long term relationship. If all this doesn’t scream golfer, I don’t know what does.” Despite the fact that Tiger may have had all the signs of being a professional golfer, many of the mistresses still couldn’t fathom the idea that Tiger was serious, and believed that Tiger was just a comedian trying out some new material. “I could understand a black president but come on, a black golfer,” said Stacy Marcoli, a bartender at a club Tiger would frequent. “This is 2010, not 2030. But I told Tiger that the black golfer jokes that he had were good, but if he’s really serious about stand up comedy he is going to have to expand his material. I’ve never seen Chris Rock make the same joke for 9 months of the year.” But then, Stacy noted that Tiger was actually making progress as a comedian when he fleshed out his material and began making jokes about his race. “After years and years of the same joke about being a golfer, I grew tired. It seemed despite all the Richard Pryor we would watch, Tiger would keep on going with the black golfer routine. I was sick of it, and it didn’t seem like Tiger really have what it took to make it as a comedian. I was going to break up with him, and was constantly beating myself up, ‘Good job Stacy, you really know how to pick em.’ I have a history of bad relationships. But then, out of nowhere, it appeared that Tiger was beginning to take his comedy seriously, because he started making some new jokes. He started making fun of his blackness, claiming that he wasn’t black, but ‘Cabacalasian’ which is just a mixture of a bunch of insecure ethnicities. Then he would start crying when explaining how hard it was growing up ‘Cabacalasian.’ It was really funny stuff. I don’t even think Tiger knew how funny it was because whenever he would do his Cabacalasian bit, the tears would stream down his face and he would ask, ‘What are you laughing at?’ Seriously, if he didn’t expand on his comedy routine I would have dumped him, because career wise it just didn’t seem like he was going anywhere.” After watching the news that Tiger had in fact been cheating on his wife with a ridiculous amount of women, media outlets across the globe confirmed that Tiger Woods was not only a black golfer, but the best golfer of all time and he was on pace to be the first billionaire athlete ever. Immediately after discovering that Tiger Woods was actually a billionaire golfer, Stacy Marcoli stated… “He’s a golfer? What a fucking loser.” Stacy was reportedly seen later that night speaking with another comedian known as Vijay Singh. Reporting Live from Infidelity, this is Satire Jones…
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