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A fter 5 lackluster seasons at Notre Dame, head coach Charlie Weiss is finally on the hot seat. Nevertheless, though Charlie Weis’s coaching record certainly deserves scrutiny, it is his massive size that may prevent him from being fired from Notre Dame…ever.
“Notre Dame and AIG have a lot in common,” said sports analyst Charlie Greene. “They’re both huge, multinationals, that literally span across the globe.They both steal money. And AIG was said to have been too big to fail, so I guess, following that same precedent, you would have to save Charlie Weis as well.” While AIG, Lehman Brothers, and GM were said to have been too big to fail because of their perceived vitality to the economy, coach Charlie Weis is often said to be too big to fail for other reasons. “He’s fucking huge,” said a Notre Dame student, as he extended his arms to show just how big the coach really is. “I had to buy a widescreen tv just to see his whole body cause my old tv would cut out a bunch of his stomach. There’s a reason why Charlie Weiss is coaching at a Catholic school, it’s because he’s knows each of us is going to pray for his health everyday, because he obviously isn’t doing a thing about it.” Notre Dame athletics representatives have already noted that it would be extremely costly to get rid of their head coach, not only because of a buyout, but the sheer cost of transporting him out of the building. Construction companies have guessed that it would require: 1. A bulldozer to cary him out of the stadium
2. A bigger bulldozer to carry that bulldozer moving him
3. Jaws of life machines or a controlled fire to get him out of the Notre Dame clothes
4. A fire hose to wash the scent of defeat from his body
5. Accepting 50 to 75 more freshmen next year to compensate for the newly available campus space.An AIG executive, and recipient of a large portion of the bailout money, speculated on whether he thought Charlie Weis was deserving of a bailout. “I think he fits the qualifications of a bailout receipent to a tee. And while he isn’t an integral part of the economy for Notre Dame, the fast food industry would most likely collapse once he left. “ In total, it would cost about 18 million dollars of taxpayer money to physically remove Coach Weiss from Notre Dame, and transport him to either the New England Patriots or the ocean. Not only would this damage the Patriots team and further pollute the ocean, it’s seems to be just too costly to remove Weis from the school. “Looking at the totality of this, it is pretty safe to say that Charlie Weis is too big to fail,” stated a sad Notre Dame athletics director who wished to remain anonymous. “Though we have been looking at a few other coaches from around the league, we would bankrupt the University of Notre Dame in trying to remove this massive human being from the premises. In all honestly it would probably be cheaper to reposition the buildings around Weis, rather than remove the man himself.” Upon hearing that he was too big to fail Charlie Weis said, “Oh, then my plan worked to perfection. I’m not sure if you noticed but as the team struggled more I began eating more, because I knew that if I got to a certain weight there was no way they could fire me, because I would literally be unable to move.” Weis added…
“You can fire me if you want but I’m gonna be in this exact same spot come Saturday, so you might as well let me coach a ball game. You know, it’s amazing, I can’t gameplan a Notre Dame game to save my life, but I planned this out perfectly. I knew exactly what the defense would do so I switched to a fast food diet in order to protect myself against a firing. Classic prevent defense. I don’t got 4 super bowl rings for nothing.” Reporting Live from South Bend…this is Satire Jones
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