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U mar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the alleged Nigerian who attempted to blow up a plane by placing a bomb in his underwear, is apparently in a lot of trouble with his mother. Rumor has it that Umar told his mother he was merely stepping out to get some food and drinks to liven up a New Year’s Party they were hosting for family and friends. After borrowing twenty dollars, Umar Abdulmutallab left his house at noon that evening and was last seen on handcuffed on CNN.
“Everybody in the neighborhood just went “Oooohhhh” when we saw him on the news,” said neighbor Bhutan Sanid, who was attending Umar’s New Year’s Party. “His mother is going to be pissed, this party is getting pretty lame without any food. Everybody is hungry.” “I told her I was going to go get some groceries,” said Umar, who asked the police to stop if they could get some milk and eggs as he was being arrested. “I promised her that I wouldn’t board a plane and oh my god, she’s going to kill me. Listen, what if you guys just didn’t arrest me. Maybe we can pick up the groceries on the way there. I cannot return home empty handed.” Umar’s parents, reportedly warned the American authorities that Umar’s was a threat to American security, but Homeland Security officials disregarded the claims, stating that because it was the holidays, they were certain that Umar’s probably was going out to buy groceries for his family and relatives. “From the extensive intelligence that we gathered, it appeared that Umar’s was determined to purchase cookies, soda, chips, dip, and cake, in order to better celebrate the New Year,” said Homeland Security agent Fred Mack. “Although, we did ascertain that he had purchased a plane ticket to Detroit, we realized that with the sharp economic decline in states like Michigan, he was probably travelling to Detroit just to take advantage of numerous holiday sales, as many of the other airline passengers were probably doing. We’re figured that he wasn’t a real terrorist threat, just a pretty smart shopper. Umar’s mother and houseguests, waited angrily for 4 hours on New Years without any kind of food or drink to bring in the 2010 and were reported as being “pretty steamed” when they were told that their son had boarded a plane to Detroit. “How could he board that plane without getting our groceries?” Umar’s mom screamed, as tears rolled down her cheeks. “I am sick of him doing this. Every time he says he is going out, he tries to blow up a plane. The grocery store is only across the street. Why not just go to the store, bring our food, then run the rest of your errands. He does not know how to prioritize. We were so hungry we didn’t even have the energy to say ‘Happy New Year’ to each other. We just nodded politely to preserve our strength. Why would he do something so foolish. Children today are so spoiled. When I was his age I used to have to fetch water twelve kilometers away before my parents would allow me to try blow up an American embassy. I tell you. When he comes home he is really going to get it.” After Umar’s mother crying was subdued, Homeland Security alerted her that because of her son’s actions, he would either be imprisoned or sent to a detention camp for the remainder of his life. Umar’s mother was floored, and remained motionless, as tears once again streaming down her face as she asked… “So I’m not going to get groceries?” Umar’s mother and father are already hoping to conceive another child before the next major holiday. Reporting Live from Broken Promises…this is Satire Jones
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