Before a crowd of 30,000 at the Satire Jones Pavilion, President Barack Obama announced that he would continue militaristic pursuits in Iraq and Afghanistan in order to help the world itself of the constant drumbeat that is the death of Michael Jackson.

“I did not know what to do. I was at my wits end,” stated Stacy Collins.  “When Michael Jackson died, the world ended.  I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep.  You don’t understand this is our Vietnam.  But then Barack Obama, shined his light, and told everybody that he would be fighting with Iraq and Afghanistan for us to help us cope and take our minds off the pain.  And the best way to take our minds off of our Vietnam is to invade Afghanistan and create another Vietnam.  And for that, Barack Obama, I thank you.”

The Bureau of Statistics noted that since Michael Jackson’s death there has been a sharp rise in social instability: unemployment has risen 16 percent, violent crime has increased 24 percent, and marriage is up over 43 percent.  And after Obama has begun the war on Iraq and Afghanistan, there have been over one million deaths total in both countries, but international social instability has dramatically decreased.

“Times are tough,” said a tearful Barack Obama.  “I know the pain that we are dealing with at this moment. And America and the world can rest assured that we are doing everything we can to help ease them through this troubling process.  Already, our dinner conversations at the White House have changed from talking about how great Michael Jackson was as a performer to how long we would be at war in the Middle East.  So, we’re doing a pretty good job of keeping the Americans distracted and focused on non-issues.  God forbid, somebody like Tupac or Biggie passed, we would most likely have to war with Great Britain.”

Confused, some Americans have asked how a killing millions of people overseas would quell the heartache that some feel over the death of one man, and how Barack Obama would handle a public outcry over the war should it fail to distract the people from Jackson’s death.

Barack Obama simply stated, “America has engaged in numerous frivolous wars over the years in order to help the world cope with the death of celebrities, and it has never failed.  With that being said, if the Wars in Iraq and Afghanstan should fail to distract the people from Michael Jackson’s death, it would in this instance where you wished Michael Jackson was still alive, so he could play his beautiful music, and help take our minds off of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

Reporting live with the King of Pop…this is Satire Jones

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