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M ired in two major wars and a reeling economy, many were surprised that President Obama decided to send an additional thirty thousand troops to Afghanistan. However unmotivated the troops may feel toward a continued occupation, many Afghani’s are doing their part to ease the tension and make the troops feel more at home by learning Vietnamese.
“We’ve already purchased tons of ‘Rosetta Stone Vietnamese’ tapes to help us, and we already learning the major landmarks in Vietnam,” stated a Taliban member. “What is Kabul, we’ll call it—Hanoi-Kabul…and so on and so forth. I’ve been reading a lot about Vietnam on Wikipedia already. Did you know they have some of the best tasting ice cream from this place called Baskin-Robbins. Sure they lost much of their culture and population in the process, but for 31 flavors of ice cream, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices. I can’t wait to try it. And with our added opium flavored ice cream, we would have 32 of the best tasting flavors nation building can buy.” Many military commanders lauded the Afghani’s ambition and foresight, often stating that they’re showing a true American spirit of individuality. “That’s how we do it in the USA. We pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps,” stated Gen. Sanders. If we’re gonna turn Afghanistan into another Vietnam, don’t complain or wait for handouts from the government. Be a man, learn Vietnamese on your own and work those second jobs to buy those language learning programs. I’ll be damned if my tax dollars are going to go to help an international learn a foreign language.” Several troops have already commented how the Afghani’s had no obligation to learn Vietnamese, but in doing so, made much of the troops feel much more secure. “That’s just awesome that they are learning Vietnamese. Afghanistan was such a different place at first culturally, you know, totally different language and customs,” said Marine Henry Fort “ I was starting to get homesick. But now that they’ve begun speaking Vietnamese I feel so much more at ease and the tension is just starting to melt away.” While defense secretary Robert Gibbs has repeatedly insisted that Afghanistan will not be another Vietnam, the Afghanis seemed dismayed and disappointed that America would not be engaging in a nation building effort in the country. Having already spent half of their GDP on Vietnamese Rosetta Stone DVD’s, Afghani’s insisted that America not act weak in this momentous time. “Why shouldn’t this be another Vietnam?” asked a concerned Afghani citizen in fluent Vietnamese, showing why Rosetta Stone is one of the preferred ways to learn a foreign language. “They can say that this will not be another Vietnam all they want but I’ll be damned if my people stand by and accept that fate. We will not stand by idly and let that happen. We’ve already undertaken several measures to completely transform this great nation into the new Vietnam and we will not let any Western country steer us from our path. We will not let the West dictate our self determination.” Vietnamese leaders, jealous of all the attention Afghanistan is garnering as the new ‘Vietnam’, have already flirted with the idea of building nuclear weapons, so that America would react, and Vietnam would become Vietnam once again Reporting Live from New Vietnam…this is Satire Jones
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