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N ormally after a president makes a speech, he goes into the crowd to shake hands with the audience. However, after Obama’s latest health care speech, he immersed himself into the crowd, hand outstretched, only to have much of the Republican clamor to touch his kinky, African hair.
“I’ve already felt what a black person’s hand feels like,” said GOP representative Dale Carter. “I’ve already crossed that bridge, that yearning was fulfilled long ago by the make a wish foundation when I almost died of pneumonia. I’ve felt the black hand and to be quite honest I don’t care for it. It feels and tastes just like any other hand. Now don’t get me wrong, I thank the Make-A-Wish Foundation for granting me that wish but I definitely wouldn’t say that’s what helped me cure my pneumonia, despite Louisiana folklore. So yes, I’ve already felt the black hand, but black hair is something special. You know, it’s one thing to read about Black people’s hair in a library but a completely different thing to run your fingers through it. There’s only so many ways and encyclopedia can describe the word ‘kinky.’” Joe Biden, who GOP magazine recently named the “Luckiest Man Alive” is one of the few close enough to Obama to be able to touch his hair on a daily basis. “I’m just living my childhood dream. This is a message to all you kids out there, follow your dreams never give up,” stated Biden as he kicked his feet up on his desk, revealing brown strained bathroom tissue stuck to his shoes. “When a man by the name of Barack Obama called and told me that he wanted to name me his vice president, I immediately accepted, not having any clue about which country in Africa I would be presiding over. Now to this day I have no idea what this guy’s political stance is, but once I saw how much kinkier his hair was than mine, I immediately accepted. And then he informed me that I’d be heading the greatest African country of all, America.” Others members of the Republican Party noted that while it was amazing to see a politician, let alone a president, with Obama’s hair texture, it was equally surprising for Barack Hussein Obama to defy his Muslim heritage by flaunting his hair in public. “He’s the coolest Muslim of all time,” said Wes Barkey, GOP candidate. “The fact that he never wears his turban is just so nice. He’ll never see Paradise with 72 virgins, but I tell you want, he will see a Paradise with 72 Republican congressional members, many of whom entered politics because they were virgins.” Despite the GOP’s unyielding desires to feel the president’s hair, Mr. Obama has surprisingly declined their requests, affirming that these actions would do nothing to further the progress of America. The Republican Party has already drawn up legislation to address this issue. Reporting Live from the greatest country in Africa…this is Satire Jones
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