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A fter startling revelations that Pope John Paul ignored abuse of over 2,000 children, many have been left wondering what it is about the Catholic Church that fans its priests proclivity toward molestation. A shocking new report by the Food and Science Committee demonstrates that just as hormone and steroid laden food is causing our children to develop at a faster rate, many our hormone injected food supply is causing our catholic priests to develop sexual feelings towards children at an earlier age.
Studies reveal that thirty years ago Catholic priests did not develop any form of sexual attraction to children until their late eighties, where they either did not have the sexual potency to act on their desires or were just plain lazy. But now the artificial hormones introduced into our food has seemingly infused priests with an appetite for molestation that is appearing as early as their late forties to mid fifties. The Food and Science Committee’s report even detailed case studies where they watched Catholic Priests eat McDonald’s hamburgers and then sneakily crawl into a McDonald’s Playpit where they held temporary ‘confessions.’
“It’s definitely the steroids,” said John Pelham, former teacher Sunday School teacher. “I remember when I was a kid in Sunday School the priests never touched me, but that’s only because they told us they were impotent after years of reading the Bible. But really what’s the big deal, people are always complaining about Church being boring, so I don’t really see anything with a little playful touching to get a child to pay attention and listen to the word of the Lord.”
Searching for solutions, many have suggested there is nothing to worry about, as the problem will actually resolve itself over time.
“If we just keep letting the Catholic priests eat the steroid injected food,” said Tom Hawkins, chief scientist at the Food and Science Committee. “In about thirty or forty years, the priests are going to be attracted to children at such a young age they will actually be the same ages. That’s karma for you.”
However, others have taken are more hard stance, such as, Anthony Pauls, who has already established the first ’Organic Priesthood.’ The ‘Organic Priesthood’ which Mr. Paul hopes will serve as a model for Catholic Churches worldwide, is a Catholic Church and Sunday School serves 100% organic meats free of hormones and steroids as well as organic vegetables . Despite his grand plans, Mr. Pauls claims the results of his initiative have been surprisingly underwhelming.
“When our young students and Catholic priests were fed the diet with the hormones, there was so much life in the room, everyday was a new adventure. The students were scared somebody was behind them, nervous when the priests came in and turned the lights off and lit scented candles. There was life in the room. After observing everybody on this new organic and wholesome diet, not only do priests don’t seem to care about the young boys, people have been to be concerned about the environment, animals, and all living beings. They feel more connected with nature. It’s extremely boring. I think they might be gay.”
After revealing that children on the more natural diet could be ’gay environmentalists’ as Mr. Pauls put it, many Catholic Priests denounced the school, stating that they could never molest a gay child because it would be disgusting and weird.
Live from the Vatican..this is Satire Jones
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