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C hubb’s Burger Joint has maintained a tradition of cleanliness and proper hygiene which has made it a cornerstone in the fast food district. The eatery has garnered rave reviews from nearly all food critics and has even begun to open up stores internationally. However, people in an effort to further distance itself from the competition Chubb’s Burger Joint now requires all employees to wash and dry their hands before spitting and/or defecating in the customers food.
“Just another reason to keep eating at Chubb’s,” said longtime customer and frequent worms recipient Benjamin Atkins. “This is why Chubb’s will remain the number one fast food place in this whole town for a long time. Having the workers wash their hands before spitting in the food, come on, that’s just genius. Nobody saw that coming.”
One man who especially did not see the monumental change coming was resident hamburger patty maker Orval. “Haven’t washed my hands in twenty one years,” he muttered, as his hacked up a loogie and violently spit in a Happy Meal that would most likely be eaten by a toddler. “See, the funny thing about washing your hands is that they just get dirty again. So you’re just wasting your time. Same thing with washing any other body part. The homeless figured all this out years ago, we just haven’t caught on yet.”
Local activists are still confused as to why the restaurant doesn’t just stop their workers from spitting in food altogether instead of trying to make ‘the cleanest spit in town’ as Chubb’s has so often called themselves. A rally was held outside the fast food district in an attempt to persuade Chubb’s and other fast food joints that still spit in their food, to try a more beneficial choice of topping instead of minimum wage human saliva. Protesters held up signs that read “Spitting is Murder” and “Don’t You People Know We Can See You”, drawing the ire of Chubb’s employees, who eventually spit on the protesters as a sign of defiance. One protester who was sure she were going to be spit at by the Chubb’s workers held a sign that read “You Missed Me” until one of the more seasoned workers nailed her with a loogie in the forehead, forcing her to put her sign down and ask a fellow protester to borrow a napkin. Chubb’s Burger Joint manager’s were mulling their next move to improve the cleanliness of the esteemed restaurant would be to require employees to brush their teeth before spitting in the food as well. Unfortunately, the recent experiment backfired as the restaurant lost a large amount of core customers who complained that the restaurant had lost its authentic flavor, forcing many to head to the McDonald’s across the street to get the down-home flavor they craved.
Many have speculated that Chubb’s would also try to stop their employees from eating the customers food as it is being made. However, many employees complain that this is a nearly impossible task as all the spitting only fuels their hunger.
Reporting nauseous, this is Satire Jones...
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