O
ftentimes, many suicidal children suffer from not only depression and withdrawal, but poor English skills. Moreover, recent studies how shown that the United States suicide notes are only written at an eighth grade reading level, while Japan, Holland, and Switzerland are all written at a eleventh grade reading level. However, this scary trend is nonexistent at Cornell University where these past midterms have shown that Cornell students are not only killing themselves at a very high rate, but also displaying a fluency and expressiveness usually reserved for graduate students.
“We had no idea our son was so eloquent,” said Debra, Johnny’s loving mother. “I remember reading over some of his essays in high school and they were nowhere near as well thought out and articulate. His writing style really shines in this suicide note.”
When asked to comment on their son’s suicide the parents said they were “thoroughly impressed” and were going to proudly brag about it to everyone in the neighborhood.
“As you can see the note is grammatically sound, employs correct citations, is well written, and expounds on the same theme throughout, rendering it easy for the reader to understand the message the author is attempting to convey,” stated John’s English teacher Molly Eisenhoff.
Despite the fact that the blistering academic pressures of Cornell University drover her son to suicide, Debra maintains that she will try to send her younger children to Cornell as well.
“My younger sons will hopefully be attending the school next year but I warned them that it is an extremely hard school to get into. For their college essay, they may have to look at their older brother’s suicide note as a guide.”
“When people ask what the value of the writing program at Cornell is I just show them a portfolio of suicide notes,” said Cornell President Lee Stansbury. “You will not get this kind of education anywhere else, guaranteed. If you really want to measure the value of a school’s English program, ask to see a collection of suicide notes. If the school cannot produce any, you should ask yourself if you really want to send your children to such a slacker school. I, and the rest of the Cornell staff, firmly believe that you want to pay for an education that will push your child over the edge.”
He added…
“If you son or daughter is considering suicide at all, do not call a suicide prevention hotline, come to Cornell where we will not solidify your decision to end your existence, but allow your writing to express just how much you hate this world.”
When asked to view a copy of the suicide note, Cornell’s Head of the Writing Department advised members of the Satire Jones staff that it would be the feature essay in next issue of Cornell’s Literature Magazine.
Live from The Suicide School…This is Satire Jones
